Breaking News: Indiana Governor Mike Pence Gay, AP Reports

"RallyWrench" (rndlitebmw) 04/01/2015 at 14:15 • Filed to: APRIL FOOLS

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(AP) Gary, IN: Indiana Governor Mike Pence announced today in a press conference that he is and has been homosexual since 1983. "The "Religious Freedom" law is nothing less than the culmination of my life's work, a carefully crafted ruse to expose the misguided religious zealots and bigots in the Indiana State Legislature, and indeed around our otherwise great nation," he said, fighting back tears and embracing his long time companion and confidant, adult film star Magnus Applebottom.

Reaction to this announcement has been mixed. Televangelist Pat Robertson has gone on record as saying "All these years I've been wrong to judge others by their sexual orientation. This admission by the honorable Governor Pence has shaken me to my core, and I will now be carefully re-evaluating my belief system. I can only hope that the good people of the LGBT community will forgive my transgressions and accept my deepest apologies." Others were not so forthright in their assessment, with Indiana House Speaker Brian Bosma seen with his mouth agape, pale faced, shaking uncontrollably.

Governor Pence went on to elaborate on his plan to have those exposed as bigots by this legislation shamed publicly in the face of the voting public, and emphasized his goal of absolute equality for all human beings under the law. "It should be obvious that religious freedom also means freedom from religion and indeed from those who would misuse it for prejudice," the governor said, adding "there are good, open minded people of faith the world over, but unfortunately those in power in America tend to wield it as a cudgel to force those they disagree with to acquiesce, when in fact they are using it as a crutch for an otherwise untenable belief system."

In closing, Pence affirmed his Pastafari faith, in saying "to my detractors, I would encourage you to look to the teachings of His Noodliness, for in our Second Condiment of Pastarafianism, it is written, "I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others." "Take heed," the Governor said, "and equate your God with my own, for all of or without faith can come together as one, for the common good of humankind."

Donning a pasta strainer on the way to a waiting limousine, the Governor announced his candidacy for President in 2016.

ACESandEIGHTS > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:22

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Hahhaha, it was going along quite pleasantly until it started getting neckbeardy.

We were somewhere around Fedoraville on the edge of the friend zone when the FSM references began to take hold. My attorney was droning on about taxing "le church" and I knew that soon I would throttle him if he continued to equate tired reddit tropes with real life.

I read that in a Wm Burroughs voice. The Drugstore Cowboy Burroughs, as opposed to a younger Burroughs.

For Sweden > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:23

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This is actually brilliant

be Pence

be gay

penisonpenis.gif

be governor

travel around Indiana visiting small businesses

receive less than stellar service

becauseimgay?.jpg

whattheyhiding.swf

decide its backhanded bigotry

decide to root them out

pass law allowing businesses to discriminate against gays

birdmanhandrub.gif

businesses enabled to explicitly state position

businesses explicitly state position

know which businesses to avoid

feelsgoodman.jpg

RallyWrench > ACESandEIGHTS 04/01/2015 at 14:26

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I was on the fence about using that part, but figured I had to throw in something obviously ridiculous.

RallyWrench > For Sweden 04/01/2015 at 14:28

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It came to me in a dream last night, no kidding.

ttyymmnn > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:29

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Satire only works when there is truth in it. Which is not to say that Pence is really gay. But it is well known that some of the most outspoken anti-gay bigots are themselves closeted. Denial is more than a river in Egypt. Denali, though, is a GMC SUV.

RallyWrench > ttyymmnn 04/01/2015 at 14:34

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That's why this works. It's sort of plausible, and has happened before.

ACESandEIGHTS > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:38

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Dude is quite good at being ridiculous so you must set him apart I guess. That freakin' guy is so politician-y.

I stand by it.

We'll "clarify it."

The law will not be changed.

We want to make clear we're not trying to discriminate against anybody.

I lost respect for him when he wouldn't just come out and say it. CNN has their gotcha moment now and everyone knows he and everyone in Indiana/Arkansas don't like gay people. There, we said it.

Only they won't say it.

I was talking it over with a buddy. I said "It's like the South, with all its enlightenment and reconstruction and bridges and integration—not to mention the Presidents it's sent to the White House in the past 60 years—still needs to let you know 'we're cool and inclusive, but not all-the-way cool and inclusive, if you know what I mean ... there's still stuff that's beyond our lofty thinking that hearkens back to an uglier, more narrow-minded time, and we cannot deny it. "

The Klan is gone. Segragationist Democrats and Dixiecrats are loooong gone. It's not cool to like anything divisive anymore. Even the politicians will make nice and pretend they're all for everything LBJ was about. But they keep getting dragged under, and I'm guessing it's by their constituency, who are closeted racists.

Dusty Ventures > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:42

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I laughed. Then I was sad because it isn't real and I want it to be.

RallyWrench > ACESandEIGHTS 04/01/2015 at 14:47

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Reminds me of a spoof "How to be Australian" video I watched recently, and the Indian guy stating "facts" about Australia said something like "70% of Australians are casual racists. Other 30%, full time."

RallyWrench > Dusty Ventures 04/01/2015 at 14:48

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You and me both, man.

ACESandEIGHTS > RallyWrench 04/01/2015 at 14:54

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Haha, wow, poor Australians. I was talking to a New Zealander once who said "Here's the difference: Australians, are deeply, deeply RACIST" and his voice went up to full volume and he was getting heated about it.